My Discovery Phase, Boys

I wasn't really planning to do a blogpost on this but I really need to get all this confusing energy out of my system, because it's twisting and writhing inside me, and it's really not great. 

In middle school, I was a very angry person. That then lead to me feeling very sad and alone no matter how many people I had around me. I wanted to be alone, I didn't want to talk out my feelings with anyone which made it worse because I was wallowing in my own fear. This got worse as I entered high school because I was in the middle of two really great groups of friends but my personality had both groups of friends in them, so I was never really one or another. I'm still in that mess. 

This eventually lead to me having this discovery phase which I am still in right now. Let me tell you, it takes up a lot of time. I'm always having these random epiphanies and I end up contemplating the meaning of life or love or whatever instead of paying attention to what's going on, which is bad. Why? Because my attention lasts about as long as a dog. 

Anyways, because of this self discovery phase, I feel as if I need to really focus on myself. I know it sounds really selfish, but it's true. I need to focus on school, protecting my family and friends, discovering myself, and also come to realizations about the world that will help me in the future. Now, this will not work out very well if a boy comes into play. 

For a moment in my life, it got better because of my best friend Audrey. I gave her a list of potential guys I might like and she told me to rate them by personality and looks. I found that I only really potentially like these boys because they were cute (of course).

PAUSE: I mean guys, let's face it, the "Personality is everything" thing is phony. We all go for looks first- don't be fooled though- if you're a *****, then you're gonna get dropped like a hot potato. 

Anyways, I realized that I didn't really know any of these guys. I didn't know their academic life, their personality, or who they even hung out with. So in a matter of days, I kind of dropped all my feelings for them. But wait. I said that boy-free zone only lasted for a moment. Raging hormones ugh.

As life progressed little by little, my eye caught a dude. Um. Let's call him Geff. He's cute (has a dimple like zayummm), he has a pretty good build, he's pretty smart, he's athletic, and he seems pretty chill. This guy- Geff- keeps interfering with my me time and it's really bugging me but I can't just let him go; feelings just don't work that way. I once had a crush on a guy for two years with the same traits that this Geff guy has.

The best thing I could do was vent about all this stuff building up inside me. I vented about my discovery phase and him to my friends, my best friend who's more like a non-blood sister. Now, did that help? Well (Wow. No joke, I just shuffled my ipod and 'Can't Help Falling in Love' started playing) not really. If anything, I seemed to only like him more. Him invading my me time isn't the only problem though. Here are some other reasons:

• He's popular so girls left and right like him too
• My friend Suri told me that he's really 'close' with this one girl, he's 'considering' a friend of Suri's, and he seems really bonded with this girl in one of the classes I see him in.
• My friend Suri has a friend who really likes him. Like head over heels for him. Like obsessive like him. So I find that liking him is going against my morals.

I don't really know what to do. This is all really difficult and I just don't have time for this. If you're in the same conundrum as me though, may I advice you:

• Friends are people you don't have to impress because they love you for who you are. 
• If they're really your friend, they won't let you become this crazy clingy beast.
• When you talk about your feelings with your friends/family, you should be able to trust them FULLY. You should expect advice not just criticism. Also, unleash everything; it will make you feel so much better. BUT:
• When you're talking about a guy that you MAY end up liking but you don't want to like, don't talk about how adorable he is and don't speak about him in a really gushy way, it really doesn't help anyone. 
• If you have any questions that revolve around this topic, I'd feel free to answer them and possibly help you. (:

I probably sound like a damsel in distress. Desperate. A cat lady. Haha, aw well.

xx